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Ali bin Ramsey throws a fit now that Australia is at war with Saddam
David Revelman
Foaming at the mouth Ali bin Ramsey of the Saddam Times, aka the Sydney Morning Herald, had to be carried out of his Sydney office yesterday after suffering an apoplectic fit.
He had just finished writing a vicious anti-Howard diatribe (Two courses enough to make you vomit 19/03) when his colleagues suddenly saw him slump to the ground while screaming the name Ann Clwyd.
A specialist in delusional behaviour diagnosed Ali as suffering from an extraordinarily severe case of tunnel vision aggravated by an inability to distinguish between the truth and rabid leftwing ideology.
The doctor later pronounced that Ali had inadvertently triggered the fit when he accidentally logged into BrookesNews.Com and was confronted with an alternative view that detailed some of Saddam's atrocities.
However, before logging into Brookes, Ali was able to produce such masterful insights into the Iraqi situation as: "we've reached the pits". He was unfortunately unable to repeat this this scintillating comment and was forced to content himself with the still brilliant: "A sickening humbug of a Prime Minister genuflects to George Bush."
Rarely has the Saddam Times enjoyed such profoundly spirited writing. Alas, as we can now see, the psychic strain of using his brilliant intellect to defend the monstrous Saddam was too much for this highly principled defender of honest journalist.
Doctors have explained to Ali's concerned editors that it was only a matter of time before his hypocrisy (they meant his deep rooted psychic contradictions) brought about a total intellectual and moral collapse.
In a valiant effort to restore Ali's sanity and his moral compass doctors decided to confront him with the emotional trigger that brought about his tragic condition. They thought the sudden shock of being facing with the truth would help lay the foundations for a rapid and sustained recovery. With that in mind they read to him the following statement that had been presented to the British public by Ann Clwyd and which was found on his computer:
"There was a machine designed for shredding plastic. Men were dropped into it and we were again made to watch. Sometimes they went in head first and died quickly. Sometimes they went in feet first and died screaming. It was horrible. I saw 30 people die like this. Their remains would be placed in plastic bags and we were told they would be used as fish food . . . on one occasion, I saw Qusay [President Saddam Hussein's youngest son] personally supervise these murders."
Ali's unexpected violent reaction to the reading forced the doctors to re-examine him. It was then that they made a shocking discovery. Rather than Ramsey having been reduced to a mere shadow of his former humanity, they found that this was his normal state.
They concluded that the only way to restore him to his previous physical and mental condition is to shield him from the presence of humanitarian impulses. Although the Saddam Times is the best place for this it will still take a while for Ali to recover his former venomous persona and contempt for the truth.
No need to worry, though. Ali's farseeing editors anticipated such an event and took the precaution of having a program especially designed that will write his articles in the same mode that Australia's anti-American Howard and Bush-haters have come to love and cherish.
And best of all, it doesn't even pretend to be human.
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